MY BDSM STORY

While I can’t write creatively, these days, I can edit and talk. You aren’t supposed to answer critics or even read bad reviews. But I’m going to because people should know:

NO ONE IS A BDSM EXPERT

I’m going to quote from a 2 star review and get to the expert thing in a second.

To be honest, I’m not sure why I continue with this series.

I’m not sure, either, and I invite you sincerely to not waste your time and find ones you like better. No hard feelings at all. 

Then they go on to cite criticisms which are pretty valid if you’re sensitive to typos. Or hate flashbacks. I like them, obviously. Not everyone has read the earlier books and I like showing the continuity of the character arcs.

(As an aside, I also had a recent neg review where a the guy said it was “sad” Hunt and Cam were relating on an emotional level instead of just focusing on “raw sex.” 😆 😆 😆 ) 

Anyway, at the end they say:

Add to that contradictory elements in the power dynamic between Cam and Hunt? I think I’m stopping at this point.

Now we’re at the point. THERE ARE NO CONTRADICTORY ELEMENTS IN THE POWER DYNAMIC BETWEEN HUNT AND CAM BECAUSE IT’S IMPOSSIBLE.

After 50 Shades, bdsm became all the rage in indie books and fan fic. And even before, but it did go mainstream. Self-styled “experts” popped up on every cyber street corner. A large number of these people have never done what they say, or are quoting something they read. There are a few, very few – okay maybe one or two – really good BDSM advice communities online. This is this one. IMO: https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMcommunity

But in the general social media world are many shooting off their mouths based on stuff they read online from people who don’t know any more than they do and telling everyone –

 THERE ARE RULES

Not really. There are no universal rules, no “shoulds” or “shouldn’ts.” There’s no form that power dynamics have to take.

That sound radical?

Here’s the thing: The only experts are the people in D/s relationships and they are only experts about themselves.

For or instance: A lot of couples don’t have safewords. They just don’t need them. I often didn’t. It’s not a big deal in an intimate relationship, and often not important in a hook-up. Just depends on the situation.

No rules doesn’t mean there is not good advice, the benefit of experience, and common practices that have become common for good reasons.

Are my books “realistic” in terms of the power dynamics? There are Doms and subs who say so. Are Hunt&Cam reflective of the BDSM relationships in general?

I haven’t the faintest, foggiest, notion what “in general” would mean here and neither does anyone else.

But they are real in terms of my own experience and that of people I know or have known and things I, as a heterosexual switch, have done. (Except for one thing Hunt stuck in my head and I refused to write at first but he insisted. So I contacted a lovely friend who is a very experienced gay Dom and said, “Is this right?!!” He laughed at me, as I recall, for thinking it was a big deal.)

Sometimes I think I should just write a series of biographical posts about what it’s been like during my lifetime—what these clubs (gay and straight) were like pre-AIDS. How things changed. How subs can actually dominate the bdsm “club” scene to the point no one wants to go. Srsly, it’s way more middle school than anything.

And BTW, the majority of people in D/s relationship don’t go to clubs, afaik.

Pre-internet, before the “sexual revolution,” we DIYed our own gags and restraints. Kitchens and furnace rooms were our dungeons. Also bedrooms with the bdsm aspects cleverly disguised in case of children or in-laws.

If you’re searching for yourself, looking for information or support, find an online community you feel comfortable in and avoid anyone who tells you how it has to be or what you should or must do or who you should be.

Here’s my own I believe this is universal must do: communicate more. I think this is at the heart of 90% of the issues in D/s relationships and BDSM encounters.

There’s a DARK SIDE, too. Maybe I’ll write about that later.

The Emma Thompson Letter

Most excerpts are from this L.A.Times article on Emma Thompson’s letter dropping out of “Luck” because Skydance hired John Lasseter to head up Skydance Animation.

Thompson is an astonishingly-talented, highly respected actress, and Lasseter is credited with pretty much driving everything that led to modern computer-enhanced animation. See The Pixar Story on Netflix.

BACKSTORY

Lasseter resigned from Disney amid accusations of hugging women and “touching their legs” without permission. (Look for quote at bottom re: “leg touching.”

From the end of 2017 to the end of 2018 when his Disney contract expired, Lasseter was on leave. When his contract was up, he officially resigned. In January, Skydance brought him aboard.

Online Fox News (yeah, I’m surprised, too) carried: “Former Pixar chief John Lasseter’s new contract has sexual misconduct legal protection claims.” And it apparently does.

Which brings us up-to-date and brings me to disagree pretty strongly with almost everything Emma Thompson said, which I hate to do, because I adore her. But I think we are going down the K2 of Slippery Slopes if we don’t see why she’s not making sense.

L.A.TIMES ARTICLE:

“After announcing the hire, Ellison sent a long email to staff, noting that Lasseter was contractually obligated to behave professionally,…”

THOMPSON’S LETTER:

  • If a man has been touching women inappropriately for decades, why would a woman want to work for him if the only reason he’s not touching them inappropriately now is that it says in his contract that he must behave “professionally”?

You know why people hire black people and gay people when they’d rather only hire straight whites? Because they have to. If they think differently, should the black and gay folks refuse to work for them until they take a polygraph and prove they are … what exactly?  You want to punish this guy because maybe he’s thinking about doing what he’s not allowed to do?  Do you also want to fire the majority of men in the world from jobs where they work with women? Are you sure you want to do that?

And is it not possible for anyone with a Y chromosome to ever feel regret? Is every man corrupted by power a sociopath?

L.A. TIMES ARTICLE:

[Skydance] … convened a series of town halls in which Lasseter apologized for past behavior and asked to be given the chance to prove himself to his new staff.

THOMPSON’S LETTER:

  • Much has been said about giving John Lasseter a “second chance.” But he is presumably being paid millions of dollars to receive that second chance. How much money are the employees at Skydance being paid to GIVE him that second chance?

Nothing, I believe is the correct answer. Aren’t the employees being paid to write, design, keep the restrooms clean, animate, repair and do whatever else they do?

Srsly, Ms. Thompson, what are you talking about? Lasseter gets paid to do a job and he’s been pretty thoroughly vetted on this issue. If he was the mail room clerk would you allow him to be a mail room clerk again? What would satisfy you? Joblessness? Homelessness?

L.A. TIMES ARTICLE:

Meanwhile, Mireille Soria, president of Paramount Pictures Animation, with which Skydance has a distribution deal, took the highly unusual step of meeting with female employees to tell them that they could decline to work with Lasseter.

THOMPSON’S LETTER:

  • If John Lasseter started his own company, then every employee would have been given the opportunity to choose whether or not to give him a second chance. But any Skydance employees who don’t want to give him a second chance have to stay and be uncomfortable or lose their jobs. Shouldn’t it be John Lasseter who has to lose HIS job if the employees don’t want to give him a second chance?

John Lasseter lost his Disney job when women complained. Disney didn’t fire the women, as far as I can find, they dumped Lasseter.  I’m not sure why this would be different.

Look. There are a lot of men and some women who should be summarily executed for what they have done to the powerless—to children, to women, to the elderly, disabled,  and more. My own Me, Too can be found on this site under the IMO label and I only recounted a small portion of a lifetime of dealing with these things.

But Lasseter’s real crime, according to Thompson is “… made women … feel undervalued and disrespected for decades.”

So he shouldn’t be allowed to work in his profession. Ever. Again.

I guess.



-THOMPSON’S LETTER IS HERE

 

-Reference to “leg touching:

“He’s very tactile in a weird way,” a former female executive told Deadline. “He would rub my leg in a meeting . . . It was creepy and weird. It got to the point where I wouldn’t sit next to him in a meeting …” (from Vanity Fair)

 

 

An Alpha Sub? It Can’t Be…

There’s an amazing amount of pure nonsense slung around these days about being an “Alpha” male or female. Here’s some now:

“She [Alpha female] is unabashedly sexy as well as career oriented. Her towering four-inch stilettos march off to the office, the store, the judge’s chambers, and her lacquered-red soles send a “follow me” signal, straight to the bedroom.”

full article here

Srsly? Being an Alpha female requires marching around a courtroom in front of a judge or jury in four inch fuck-me heels? So she can make sure she isn’t taken seriously? Can have crippling arthritis in her feet in a few years?

I’ve been in more than a few courtrooms and I’m pretty sure this woman would alienate most of the female jurors and make most of the males picture her on her knees. In front of them.

It’s just as bad for men, apparently.

This article requires men to change the way they walk to “become” an Alpha:

“Alpha males walk slow but with strong steps. Unlike a beta male who just walks fast or uses a walk to get from point A to point B, an alpha male knows his walk can make him stand out.”

Oh, dear God. How little self-esteem does a man have to have to buy this? The one most likely to not think at all about his walk is the Alpha moving from point A to B. Then we come to this, a standard trope in modern romance:

“Alpha males take control. They are dominant. They tell people what to do. They are direct. They take over situations when necessary. Alpha males are seen as powerful. They are the king of the mountain.” source

Unfortunately, the Alpha in many BDSM-themed books is far more bully than Alpha, as illustrated so perfectly by 50 Shades. They have power by wealth or situation. It’s Donald Trump. It’s Bill Gates. Which one do you want to follow?

You know what a leader with no followers is called? A guy shooting off his mouth. Alphas don’t make themselves up, they are created by genetics and environment.

SO WHAT IS ALPHA?

Alphaism in social structure is a common component of animal studies. But for humans, let’s use an older, but much better descriptor for Alpha: opinion leader.

OPINION LEADERS:

1. General: Influential members of a community, group, or society to whom others turn for advice, opinions, and views.

source

Hang out at your child’s 4th grade classroom and you’ll soon identify kids who are opinion leaders (OLs).

The OL in a group, what we might call the Alpha, is the one people look at when a surprising or scary situation arises. Whether a clown or a rattlesnake enters the room, everyone looks at the OL for a clue as to how to feel or respond. This kind of Alphahood is a natural trait.

The Jury Foreman Model: Someone can learn to manipulate the social situation—12 strangers in a room—so that they are likely to be elected jury foreman. But during deliberations, the OL/Alpha—male or female sitting anywhere at the table—is the one the other jurors will listen to. This person may be unassuming or gregarious, or anything in-between.

They will have the greatest influence on  the outcome while the Delta jury foreman who attained artificial Alphahood is relegated to counting the votes and ordering lunch.

SEX

The thing about that Alpha OL is, they might be a sub in the bedroom:

… all of us, along with several other mammal species, appear to possess subcortical circuits for sexual dominance as well as submission. … source

You don’t need to find neural pathways in an autopsy to know this. Every individual, female or male, is on a status continuum. We are socially dominant relative to some people and submissive relative to others.

Sexually, some like a partner who rolls them onto their backs and takes over, because it mimics the partner being the Dominant who has chosen them. Some like to roll their partner onto their backs and take over because by submitting, the partner chooses them.  Sometimes, both partners like doing both things in the same session.

D/s is a continuum. Some are further along the dominance scale, some the submissive. Some switch between extremes, and some are just hanging out in the middle.

But both people in whatever relative position, are seeking the experience of being chosen. And being chosen by someone perceived as high status is the most desirable scenario for both. So, ideally, both are Alpha.

The basis of this is as old as our species and easily observed in others. The female wants the highest status male to make her babies. Whatever we define as high status, that’s what a female will be drawn to.

Males want the same, exact thing: the highest status female to produce his offspring. IOW, he wants a strong, healthy Alpha female who will raise up his offspring to be high-status, likely-to-survive individuals. She wants a male healthy enough to give her vigorous offspring, and strong or high status enough to protect them after they are born. Which means he can defend his position, because the next Alpha would kill her infants to bring her into estrus so he can make his own offspring.

Sex is reproduction. Nature doesn’t care about condoms or pills. Millions of years of evolution have created the system that drives us to fuck each other’s brains out in order to make more babies to grow and make more babies. And that system stays in place regardless of whatever higher brain function decision-making we bring to the table.

BDSM is rife with low-self-esteem submissives being pursued by high-status Alphas  who are more bully than Dom, and only culturally “alpha” by virtue of money or might.

In The Pixar Story, a terrific great documentary about evolution of modern animation, there’s a shot of the three men credited with making the Pixar dream a reality. PIXARstory

No one’s going to deny Steve Jobs was pretty Alpha on all counts. But John Lasseter is the real mover and shaker behind the twenty-year evolution of modern animation, assisted by science and technology wizards like Catmull. Watch the documentary and you won’t come away with a stereotypical picture of dominance. But Lasseter—artist, writer and director—is as Alpha as they come.

I have no problem with authors who write to market with standard tropes that sell well. But at some point we all live in the real world, as we’ve come to call it. Mistaking a bully with lower self esteem than your own for a fictional Alpha is not anyone’s most life-affirming choice.


CODA: I wanted to add that the reason man-on-woman sexual assault is about power not sex is that only low-self-esteem males commit it. Having some cultural imitation of Alphahood—as in inherited wealth—allows these low-status males to be chosen. They hate the women who choose them, believing only a lower-status female would do that. Their brute, controlling behavior short-circuits rejection by an Alpha female who is going to reject him no matter how much money he has.  ( See: Donald Trump )

 

The Lost Day

Going great guns on the new book (finally) I was all eager to get up and write a few thousand words today.

Then I opened my email. 😕

“I had downloaded Dancing Men on Kindle Unlimited. I got to page 1016 (end of “1:47 PM Promoted”). Then blank pages. So I deleted it and redownload. Same. So I returned and then learned I had to pay for it since it was no longer on Kindle Unlimited. Well, I was 21% in, so I bought it. Downloaded it. Same. It skips 15 pages. It takes me to page 1031…”

ALL SIX H&C4Ever BOOKS HAD TO BE REFORMATTED AND REDOWNLOADED AND REUPLOADED.

I am not blaming anyone. Like Amazon. I know, it’s shocking since I’m not afraid of whining about the ‘Zon. But they do have a previewer and I got complacent. I’d run the first few pages to make sure the basic formatting and titles held and check the links in the back matter. So I never saw the weird holes in the middle.

Dancing expired off KU and I was writing and didn’t notice.

Yes.  I fucked this up. 😳

After I found the second messed up book (I do think this is about a recent ‘Zon retool that’s honestly improved things for us but made some kinda glitch.) I decided to give up on the fast fix and do them all. SO:

  • New editions
  • Updated copyrights
  • Tanja added to Secret title page which I missed in the rush!
  • Updated backmatter.
  • Found a few typos.
  • Cover change on Knees

And I’m sending the entire series free of charge to the lovely reader who took the time to write an email and tell me the problem. I’d use her name but haven’t asked permission.

And I found the WordPress smiley codes.

Now –

 

I really need a slugline for Flight …

 

 

 

 

 

No Smut Allowed Part 2

This is from the On His Knees sales page editorial reviews section:

“Let’s get a few things out of the way first. This isn’t a romance. There’s desire aplenty between the protagonists, but no romantic love. … It’s not stroke fiction, designed to get the average reader off as quickly and dramatically as possible while they hold the book with one hand.

It is erotica. But not in the sense of the (bad) American Heritage Dictionary definition of “literature or art intended to arouse sexual desire” or the (worse) Webster’s New World Dictionary definition of “pornographic books.” No.

On His Knees is erotica in the most basic sense: “stories written about the sexual journey of the characters and how this impacts them as individuals.”(Thanks for that definition, Sylvia Day!)

And this particular journey is gritty and gut-wrenching.

Dale Cameron Lowry – author, blogger, philanthropist


But here is a more complete quote from Day:

Erotica: stories written about the sexual journey of the characters and how this impacts them as individuals. Emotion and character growth are important facets of a true erotic story. However, erotica is NOT designed to show the development of a romantic relationship, although it’s not prohibited if the author chooses to explore romance. Happily Ever Afters are NOT an intrinsic part of erotica, though they can be included. If they are included, they weren’t the focus. The focus remained on the individual characters’ journeys, not the progression of the romance.

https://www.sylviaday.com/extras/erotic-romance/


This article is quoted constantly and her definitions have become a standard. This doesn’t mean they are “right,” but this specific paragraph does reflect my own thinking.

“The reader reads a book into existence.” I cannot recall who said that, but it’s true afaic. Some read Knees to get off and consider it smut. They don’t want mysteries or anything else getting in the way. I don’t consider anything I have ever written to be smut. Not Little Favor or A Thing for Feet or anything else no matter how much sex is in it.

Writers explore character through greed or sacrifice or violence or martyrdom. A lot of writers have done it through sex. It’s unfortunate that readers through time have so often brought their own rather unwholesome attitudes to these works and banned them.

I love my readers. I esp love those who see my and other works of erotica as what they are: stories about people.

Heat can still be fun, though. depositphotos_13155709_originalb

Sale and Stuff…

That’s the character set for Flight, which I am deep in WIP on. (yay)

1dollarwintersalepricejan7
SALES PAGE ON DOT COM SHOULD REDIRECT IF YOU ARE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY

And this is the sale I made because Amazon won’t let me make a countdown sale for anything but U.S.and U.K. which leaves way too many countries out.


back to work …

Capitalization

KEEP IN MIND this info is from The Chicago Manual of Style and the MLA Handbook for Writers of Research Papers.

You aren’t writing a research paper.

You’re writing in vernacular. You are The Writer – a godlet. Do it any way you like.

PUNCTUATION1

The Denver Spiderman Case

SPOILERS….

I’ve been carrying around a print-out a Denver Post story about the Denver Spiderman for almost 20 years looking for the right project to base on it.

The second I decided to write Hunter Dane Investigations, I knew Hunt would investigate this mystery. It took 5 books to be ready.

Phillip Peters,73, was killed Friday, Oct 17th, 1941. The story in the Post appeared in February of 1960 as an interview with police chief James Childers who was captain of detectives at the time of the slaying.

The killer, Theodore Coneys, was 61 years old when arrested, 6′ tall and weighed 75 pounds. There were gallon cans of human excrement in the attic and the smallest detective was sent up through the 7″x15″ space but was overwhelmed by the  smell and vomited.

SPIDERMANhouse

Coneys had lived secretly in the attic for a month before Peters came home unexpectedly and found him raiding the fridge. Coneys killed him. Mrs. Peters was in the hospital at the time. So he stayed in the house. She came home and he stayed. He reported that he’d sneak down at night and stand over her in the dark watching her sleep.

Daytime nursing help and neighbors reported strange sounds and sightings. Police would respond and find nothing. The access panels were found and would not open and a deemed too small for a person to pass through.

The nurses quit and widow moved out. The house was closed up, the water turned off. The killer continued to live there. In the attic. The neighborhood did believe the house was haunted. News reports referred to the “Ghost Killer” of Phillip Peters.

After he was finally found by detectives, he was so pale and emaciated, fearing light, the cops said only a spider could have lived the way he did and he was dubbed the Denver Spiderman.

Coneys died in prison about twenty years later, in his eighties. Below is the full story and well-worth the time to listen to.

A THIRTY MINUTE NARRATED ACCOUNT OF THE CASE AND THE KILLER’S LIFE. APPARENTLY TAKEN FROM POLICE AND NEWSPAPER ACCOUNTS AND THE KILLER’S 50-PAGE PLUS STATEMENT.

 

Secret Men the Music

LYRICS:

It had to be you, it had to be you
I wandered around and finally found, that somebody who
Could make me be true
Could make me feel blue
And even be glad just to be sad, thinking of you

Some others I’ve seen
Might never be mean
Might never be cross, or try to be boss
But they wouldn’t do
For nobody else gave me a thrill
With all your faults, I love you still
It had to be you, wonderful you
It had to be you


You’re My Home
From the Album: Piano Man
Release Date: November 9, 1973

LYRICS:

When you look into my eyes
And you see the crazy gypsy in my soul
It always comes as a surprise
When I feel my withered roots begin to grow
Well, I never had a place that I could call my very own
But that’s alright my love,
‘Cause your my home

When you touch my weary head
And you tell me ev’rything will be alright
You say use my body for your bed
And my love will keep you warm throughout the night
Well, I’ll never be a stranger
And I’ll never be alone
Where ever we’re together that’s my home

Home can be the Pennsylvania Turnpike
Indiana early morning dew
High up in the hills of California
Home is just another word for you

If I traveled all my life
And I never get to stop and settle down
Long as I have you by my side
There’s a roof above and good walls all around
You’re my castle, you’re my cabin and my instant pleasure dome
I need you in my house ’cause you’re my home


BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATER
Album: Bridge Over Troubled Water: 40th Anniversary Edition

Track Number:
1

Lyrics:

When you’re weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes
I will dry them all
I’m on your side
When times get rough
And friends just can’t be found
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

When you’re down and out
When you’re on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you
I’ll take your part
When darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

Sail on, silvergirl
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way
See how they shine
If you need a friend
I’m sailing right behind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mindAATEMPLATEfor2014

Secret Men: Hunter Dane Investigation 4/Hunt&Cam4Ever 6

Hunt and Cam face critical changes, multiple cases, new personnel and the dissolution of their professional relationship. And everyone is stressed to the max.



“You can’t Dom me into marrying you, Cam.”

“I don’t see why not. Total Power Exchange is just that.”

Hi. Addi here. I wanted to put the related links here at the top. I never understand how WordPress picks them.

The book launched late, as regular readers know. Everyone has been patient, no one has openly berated me. Thank you. I think this is why I like writing for the kind of readers who love Hunt and Cam—insightful, intelligent people who know sometimes shit just happens.

OTHER RELATED POSTS:

Secret Men: The Music It’s the music plus lyrics

The Denver Spiderman Case: The true story of the Denver Ghost Slaying.

Secret Men Research Links  From Huntington’s to fugu to famous hermits

PROMOstairquote

The 1812 Overture sounded. Police dispatch. “Crap.” Hunter reached for his cell. “Lieutenant Dane. … Yeah. … Yeah, okay. … No, just Twee and Merisi for now.” He clicked off. “We have a case.”

Cam shook his head. “You have a case. It’s October first, remember? I don’t work for you anymore.”

IF you haven’t read the other books – don’t read this. Srsly, just return it. If you like MM BDSM and great characters, you’ll love Hunt&Cam.

It all starts here:

AAHUNTANDCAM60x90300px

 

 

BOOK ONE IN the Hunt&Cam4Ever series.