MY BDSM STORY

While I can’t write creatively, these days, I can edit and talk. You aren’t supposed to answer critics or even read bad reviews. But I’m going to because people should know:

NO ONE IS A BDSM EXPERT

I’m going to quote from a 2 star review and get to the expert thing in a second.

To be honest, I’m not sure why I continue with this series.

I’m not sure, either, and I invite you sincerely to not waste your time and find ones you like better. No hard feelings at all. 

Then they go on to cite criticisms which are pretty valid if you’re sensitive to typos. Or hate flashbacks. I like them, obviously. Not everyone has read the earlier books and I like showing the continuity of the character arcs.

(As an aside, I also had a recent neg review where a the guy said it was “sad” Hunt and Cam were relating on an emotional level instead of just focusing on “raw sex.” 😆 😆 😆 ) 

Anyway, at the end they say:

Add to that contradictory elements in the power dynamic between Cam and Hunt? I think I’m stopping at this point.

Now we’re at the point. THERE ARE NO CONTRADICTORY ELEMENTS IN THE POWER DYNAMIC BETWEEN HUNT AND CAM BECAUSE IT’S IMPOSSIBLE.

After 50 Shades, bdsm became all the rage in indie books and fan fic. And even before, but it did go mainstream. Self-styled “experts” popped up on every cyber street corner. A large number of these people have never done what they say, or are quoting something they read. There are a few, very few – okay maybe one or two – really good BDSM advice communities online. This is this one. IMO: https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMcommunity

But in the general social media world are many shooting off their mouths based on stuff they read online from people who don’t know any more than they do and telling everyone –

 THERE ARE RULES

Not really. There are no universal rules, no “shoulds” or “shouldn’ts.” There’s no form that power dynamics have to take.

That sound radical?

Here’s the thing: The only experts are the people in D/s relationships and they are only experts about themselves.

For or instance: A lot of couples don’t have safewords. They just don’t need them. I often didn’t. It’s not a big deal in an intimate relationship, and often not important in a hook-up. Just depends on the situation.

No rules doesn’t mean there is not good advice, the benefit of experience, and common practices that have become common for good reasons.

Are my books “realistic” in terms of the power dynamics? There are Doms and subs who say so. Are Hunt&Cam reflective of the BDSM relationships in general?

I haven’t the faintest, foggiest, notion what “in general” would mean here and neither does anyone else.

But they are real in terms of my own experience and that of people I know or have known and things I, as a heterosexual switch, have done. (Except for one thing Hunt stuck in my head and I refused to write at first but he insisted. So I contacted a lovely friend who is a very experienced gay Dom and said, “Is this right?!!” He laughed at me, as I recall, for thinking it was a big deal.)

Sometimes I think I should just write a series of biographical posts about what it’s been like during my lifetime—what these clubs (gay and straight) were like pre-AIDS. How things changed. How subs can actually dominate the bdsm “club” scene to the point no one wants to go. Srsly, it’s way more middle school than anything.

And BTW, the majority of people in D/s relationship don’t go to clubs, afaik.

Pre-internet, before the “sexual revolution,” we DIYed our own gags and restraints. Kitchens and furnace rooms were our dungeons. Also bedrooms with the bdsm aspects cleverly disguised in case of children or in-laws.

If you’re searching for yourself, looking for information or support, find an online community you feel comfortable in and avoid anyone who tells you how it has to be or what you should or must do or who you should be.

Here’s my own I believe this is universal must do: communicate more. I think this is at the heart of 90% of the issues in D/s relationships and BDSM encounters.

There’s a DARK SIDE, too. Maybe I’ll write about that later.

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