Category Archives: IMO

Personal, politics, religion, exasperation.

You Write Your Books

I keep saying I don’t write romance because I don’t.

Fantasy is great. Romance or shifter or sci-fi or whatever, I’m down with fantasy.

I just don’t write it because I’m pretty sure I’d suck big time at it. I’m a person who reads nonfiction for pleasure. And we usually write best what we read most. When I did read fiction, I usually read mysteries. The author who influenced me the most was Truman Capote. He refined and popularized, some say invented, the “nonfiction novel” with the publication of In Cold Blood. It’s a kind of writing that is, by the fact of what it is, loosely-defined.

It’s what I write. Capote, whose literary shoes I’m not fit to tie, wrote mostly  fact that read like fiction.

I write fiction that insists on being true to reality. Not bound by it, but very much based in it. Camden Snow is physically based a real pro athlete. His accomplishments are mirrored in teen-aged Olympic medal winners. I write about BDSM clubs or sex from the experiences of my life and the lives of people I know. I write about being a cop as I was a cop and cops I knew. Hunter Dane poses for stock photos, nude or semi because a cop I knew did. You rarely find a lid with a Tamil burial jar. A clitoris is not a little nub. A comminuted femur fracture can take four months to heal well enough to bear weight.

Things are fictionalized or it would’t be fiction. Ben Hart makes sexual support devices that are about serving women instead of men. That’s wildly fictional, unfortunately.

My next book will be out …. soon. Not when I’d planned. Before Spring ends. It’s got graphic sex, as usual, because my boys can’t seem to keep their hands to themselves for more than five minutes. Like most of my stuff, it’s fact-based and a bit science-heavy.PSYCHIC2tohoAnd it has a really interesting list of research links.

I write love stories. But what’s inside the book is only what you find there.

“It is the theory which decides what we can observe.”



When I started my writer’s journey, I was briefly on a terrible Reddit board about writing “smut.” I was told my covers and blurbs were’t sexy enough. That I’d be a failure and make no money if I didn’t write to market and follow the formula of the wildly successful smut-writers trying to help me. None of them gave their author names. There was no evidence anyone was wildly successful. They were all about money and zero about writing.

I don’t write smut. I write erotica. And there is a difference. Dale Cameron Lowry, MM romace author and my first blog reviewer, described it thusly when he reviewed On His Knees in May of 2017, here:

This isn’t a romance. … It’s not stroke fiction, designed to get the average reader off as quickly and dramatically as possible while they hold the book with one hand. …

On His Knees is erotica in the most basic sense: “stories written about the sexual journey of the characters and how this impacts them as individuals.” (Thanks for that definition, Sylvia Day!)

Here’s the thing: readers get off reading my titles. I write explicitly. Maybe too explicitly for some, I guess. But I see them, I feel what they feel, want what they want, fear and love and suffer and triumph with them. In and out of bed—or car or van or BDSM club playroom. Or in a bathroom hearing the music you know will kill the man you love and knowing you don’t have time to save him. double1lighter

They make me feel them.

And while I have very literally never written anything to arouse a reader, my message to you is: You absolutely get to get off reading this stuff. You get to cry and laugh and be confused. They are. I was. Have a damned orgasm if you are so inclined. I made a sort of joke about it in one of my promos for Snowed In because it really is a lot of sex.

The reader experience is theirs. And readers get to have feelings about what they read, because if they don’t, WTF am I bothering to write for? But what happens between the men I love is not any word that implies there is something wrong or cheap or dirty about what they do or who they are. Or who a reader is and how they  respond.

My message to readers is: If you just read my books for the sex, to get off and that’s all, cool. There’s nothing cheap or wrong or dirty about you, either.



Romance Writers of America and the Absence of Black RITA Winners

Romance Writers of America posted a tweet a few days ago with a link to this article: Board Commitment to RITAs and Inclusivity

Is there a problem?

According to the RWA article, less than 1% of finalists are black. So, how many black authors entered their books? They don’t know. ONLY 2000 ENTRIES are allowed. If 99 of them are from black authors, that’s less than 5% of the entries and a really big field to compete against. In which case, none of them winning at this point is a high-probability outcome. (ETA: The original % I posted was 1. A reader in comments pointed out the error. Thank you.)

So, the numbers are not the problem. That is, the simple fact that a black author has not won a RITA is not indicative of prejudice or process failure on the part of the RWA. I suspect the numbers are similar for all authors who include themselves under the POC umbrella.

So how are the contenders chosen, anyway?

The authors, themselves—or their publishers—enter the RITA, choose what category to enter in, and pay a fee to enter.

RWA wants a black RITA winner. I’m sure they’ll make one and absolutely let everyone know. But the choice to enter, to pay the fee, is with the author/publisher. If there’s an issue, it’s with the percentage of black authors who have joined the RWA. SO –

How About Actually Putting a Category in the RITA for POC romance books?


Right between Contemporary Romance: Short and Erotic Romance they can add Diversity Romance. And that’s a lot more inclusive than just looking for a black author.

When you invite people to dinner, you have to make a place for them at the table.


ETA: I already removed a comment for ad hom. The topic is in the title. Individuals are not topics. I should remove the one I am answering, but there are two good points in it. If you want your comment read here, stick to the subjects of the article.  –addi


Of course she does! What athlete doesn’t? And the International Olympic Committee seems to want to make this happen by changing the rules. Now, a woman who is  genetically XY can compete if she has a designated low level of testosterone for at least 12 months prior to the event. VOILA! All objections overcome. Without increased testosterone, all the inherent advantages of being born genetically male cease to exist. Right?


Testosterone is the explanation for muscles getting bigger. But bigger isn’t the only factor in the performance of a muscle.

Faster muscles are so much better, if you’re lifting weights.

WTF are FASTER muscles? I hear you asking.

There are a variety of muscle fibers. XY people (men at birth) have a greater proportion  of what are called “fast twitch” fibers in their muscles—these fibers are the ones that provide the power. So, XY skeletal muscles are “faster” and produce a higher maximum output in terms of strength, than women’s.

The “slow twitch” fibers, provide endurance. XX people have more of these, those muscles are more fatigue-resistant, making them dandy for long-distance running, for instance.

Anyone born with the musculature of an XY human, is going to be able to lift more weight than an XX human of the same general size regardless of the testosterone levels.

In transgendered people, the amount and type of muscle fibers are not shown to change.

The way to develop fast twitch muscle fibers is to lift weights. Whether Ms. Hubbard has testosterone or not, she has a distinct advantage in strength over her XX opponents.

But what about the transgendered athlete born XX? Meet Chris Mosier:ChrisMosier

From Outsports:

The International Olympic Committee adjusted its trans-inclusion policy a couple years ago in part because of the success of duathlete and triathlete Chris Mosier in men’s competitions.

Duathletes and triathletes compete in endurance races. Chris Mosier gets all the testosterone benefits, but also has the higher ratio of slow twitch fibers giving him a distinct advantage over his slow-twitch deprived XY competition.

It’s easy as supporters of the LGBTQ community to see a headline about a transgendered person wanting to compete in the Olympics and automatically shout ABSOLUTELY!!!

But the differences between men and women are far more than simple hormones or personal identification. Biology makes us different from one another in so many ways. It all needs to be taken into account. And I fear the IOC is bowing to the political climate rather than protecting the integrity of international competition, which is their job.

I fear that because I cannot imagine how they don’t know these facts. I do, and I’m not even a fan of the Olympics. But I am a fan of science. If the International Olympic Committee is going to base an eligibility decision on human biology as it impacts athletic performance, they need to consider all the factors.

MM Does’t Mean Gay (necessarily)


That guy on the right has quit talking to me until I talk about this. That’s Hunter Dane, homicide detective. And very good at it.

He is the Main Character in the Hunt&Cam4Ever series. (Behind meCam clears his throat. He’s on a short sofa with my Kindle in his lap.) Hunter’s back there, too, and I’m not turning around to see what he’s doing. 


These men, if you’ve been following the series, have a pretty hot relationship, sex-wise. They also have a pretty amazing relationship otherwise, too. It’s evolving; title to title, things change. But the point here is that …

Hunter Dane is not gay. (He also doesn’t like labels and is rolling his eyes because he knows I’m going to use one.)  



The thing about sexuality and gender is, it’s a spectrum. Probably the main reason Hunter resists even being called bi, though he grudgingly goes along because it’s what readers are used to. (He just said, “You’re a fucking writer, make up a better word!”)

OK, uh … Homo sapiens sapiens. But I didn’t make it up.

Hunter says he’s “Camsexual.” He’s a D/s switch and he’s all about power dynamics. His Domism (I did make that one up) is triggered by women.

MM doesn’t mean gay. Its means the story revolves around the relationship of two men and includes sex. It does not mean there won’t be mf sex.  Or ff sex.  Or mmm sex. 

Hunt and Cam’s story is not a romance; it’s a chronicle of these two men’s impact on one another. 

I don’t write gay romance. I write MM Erotica and a lot of BDSM. I write about all the stuff of my characters who are just as real as anyone, to me.

But mostly, I write about love. 

(Aaaand Cam just dragged Hunter off .  And it’s a one-bedroom apartment. … where’re my earplugs …



And I’ll be as brief as possible: starting at the age of 2, I was sexually assaulted (because I really fucking hate calling the assault of children “molestation” as if it were some special category of violence against the helpless that isn’t as bad as assaulting an adult) by a primary relative and beaten if I objected. This went on until I was about 10. There was other stuff, as well. That all went on … until they all died, really.

Why am I telling you this?

So you’ll understand this part: When this happens in childhood, it changes the way your brain develops. This leads to incurable PTSD and other treatment-resistant issues. “Incurable” means just that.

I was also sexually assaulted several times as an adult. This is common amongst survivors.

I decided to do this because I read a comment from someone who said they could hardly believe the problem was so common and someone else responded it was “just Hollywood.”

At this point, addi has triggered herself.


So. There’s that.

I am an old ex-hippie chick. I have, so far, survived, to the surprise of a few therapists. And myself.

You might not be old. I want to tell you some things I learned. Never let anyone make you feel bad because you don’t “get over” it. And don’t ever give up because you realize you aren’t ever going to be “normal” – whatever the fuck that is.

It’s kind of like being diabetic. Unmanaged, it kills people. Survivors are, more or less, disabled. We need to learn, IMO, to manage our lives. To recognize where the deficits are, what we need to survive and negotiate the world.

We also need to not blame the world for triggering us. We need to choose friends and lovers who accept us as we are and won’t pressure us to “fix” ourselves.

There’s nothing wrong with me. And there’s nothing wrong with you. Or the diabetic. Or the stutterer. Do we actually know where all the “unwrong” people are?

Know what else? There never was anything wrong with you. This didn’t happen to you because you were bad in some way or deserving of it or any other thing. These assholes are like drunk drivers running over pedestrians. You were just there.

We were just there. We existed. That’s it – that’s why we had this happen to us.

So. The other things is, we don’t get to feel sorry for ourselves for the rest of our lives. Yeah – I know it sucks. I know. About night terrors and years of crippling depression and agonizing self-hatred and impotent rage that eats you from within and hurting people you don’t mean to hurt and getting hurt again and again when someone else would know how to stop it.

I know. But I also know so many people suffering in unimaginable ways that have so much less than I have. Yes, we will have awful shit we can’t control. But we have to fight for the humanity they tried to destroy in us. So, when we can, we need to find perspective.

The way I see it, our job is the same as everyone else’s: Hang on until the end. Do the best you can. Be kinder than you feel. Dispose of your trash properly.

Love one another. Feed the hungry, clothe the naked, visit the imprisoned and don’t judge. Understand this comes from a singularly judgemental person. But that’s just crap in my head. I try to ignore it.

That’s what I wanted to say to the others like me. Because there are millions of us. Millions. Everywhere.

We are the norm. People break each other. Let’s try to not do that very much.

The Weeping Writer

It seems to take all my time, just the writing and now the promoing. A lot of times, I don’t read the reviews or see the posts. Today, I came across this from a reader of Matchstick:

Just at this moment you read a book that shook your world. That makes you feel so much that your real life is affected. There are not many books that do that. To a few you will remember forever. The rest is lost on the highway of life.

So, I’m all teary. I love that people think (except for the typos) that I write well. That Hunt and Cam are a great couple. That the sex is hot. That the mystery is good. I love all of that. The more people like it, the more I want to write it.

But this person said it mattered to her that I wrote. So I don’t need any more prizes.

And I’ll keep recording Hunt and Cam’s lives and writing the heat and exploring the mystery and hope more readers find the books and love them. And I hope something else happens that matters to someone while I do that. 

It matters that you are here, my friends and readers. That you exist, doing what you do as well as you can. You almost never know when you’ve touched someone. I think that might be faith.

Take care,