Category Archives: IMO

Personal, politics, religion, exasperation.

ME, TOO

I RESISTED DOING THIS.

And I’ll be as brief as possible: starting at the age of 2, I was sexually assaulted (because I really fucking hate calling the assault of children “molestation” as if it were some special category of violence against the helpless that isn’t as bad as assaulting an adult) by a primary relative and beaten if I objected. This went on until I was about 10. There was other stuff, as well. That all went on … until they all died, really.

Why am I telling you this?

So you’ll understand this part: When this happens in childhood, it changes the way your brain develops. This leads to incurable PTSD and other treatment-resistant issues. “Incurable” means just that.

I was also sexually assaulted several times as an adult. This is common amongst survivors.

I decided to do this because I read a comment from someone who said they could hardly believe the problem was so common and someone else responded it was “just Hollywood.”

At this point, addi has triggered herself.

NO YOU FUCKING IGNORANT MENTAL GODDAMNED MIDGET IT ISN’T JUST HOLLYWOOD.

So. There’s that.

I am an old ex-hippie chick. I have, so far, survived, to the surprise of a few therapists. And myself.

You might not be old. I want to tell you some things I learned. Never let anyone make you feel bad because you don’t “get over” it. And don’t ever give up because you realize you aren’t ever going to be “normal” – whatever the fuck that is.

It’s kind of like being diabetic. Unmanaged, it kills people. Survivors are, more or less, disabled. We need to learn, IMO, to manage our lives. To recognize where the deficits are, what we need to survive and negotiate the world.

We also need to not blame the world for triggering us. We need to choose friends and lovers who accept us as we are and won’t pressure us to “fix” ourselves.

There’s nothing wrong with me. And there’s nothing wrong with you. Or the diabetic. Or the stutterer. Do we actually know where all the “unwrong” people are?

Know what else? There never was anything wrong with you. This didn’t happen to you because you were bad in some way or deserving of it or any other thing. These assholes are like drunk drivers running over pedestrians. You were just there.

We were just there. We existed. That’s it – that’s why we had this happen to us.

So. The other things is, we don’t get to feel sorry for ourselves for the rest of our lives. Yeah – I know it sucks. I know. About night terrors and years of crippling depression and agonizing self-hatred and impotent rage that eats you from within and hurting people you don’t mean to hurt and getting hurt again and again when someone else would know how to stop it.

I know. But I also know so many people suffering in unimaginable ways that have so much less than I have. Yes, we will have awful shit we can’t control. But we have to fight for the humanity they tried to destroy in us. So, when we can, we need to find perspective.

The way I see it, our job is the same as everyone else’s: Hang on until the end. Do the best you can. Be kinder than you feel. Dispose of your trash properly.

Love one another. Feed the hungry, clothe the naked, visit the imprisoned and don’t judge. Understand this comes from a singularly judgemental person. But that’s just crap in my head. I try to ignore it.

That’s what I wanted to say to the others like me. Because there are millions of us. Millions. Everywhere.

We are the norm. People break each other. Let’s try to not do that very much.

The Weeping Writer

It seems to take all my time, just the writing and now the promoing. A lot of times, I don’t read the reviews or see the posts. Today, I came across this from a reader of Matchstick:

Just at this moment you read a book that shook your world. That makes you feel so much that your real life is affected. There are not many books that do that. To a few you will remember forever. The rest is lost on the highway of life.

So, I’m all teary. I love that people think (except for the typos) that I write well. That Hunt and Cam are a great couple. That the sex is hot. That the mystery is good. I love all of that. The more people like it, the more I want to write it.

But this person said it mattered to her that I wrote. So I don’t need any more prizes.

And I’ll keep recording Hunt and Cam’s lives and writing the heat and exploring the mystery and hope more readers find the books and love them. And I hope something else happens that matters to someone while I do that. 

It matters that you are here, my friends and readers. That you exist, doing what you do as well as you can. You almost never know when you’ve touched someone. I think that might be faith.

Take care,

addi-

Orgasm Anagrams and other things of note.

This was one of my newsletters that copy/pasted perfectly to Blogger but didn’t import as well here. Still, some fun stuff. 

***

Orgasms Anagrams
Am Gross – Ma Gross – Go Mr Ass
Gram Sos – So Grams – Mrs Sago
Mr Sagos – Rag Moss – Gar Moss
Gars Oms – Rags Oms – Grass Om
Rag Ms So – Gar Ms So – Sag Mr So
Sag Ms Or – Gas Mr So – Gas Ms Or
As Mrs Go
I swear I’m going to take Mrs. Sago as a Pen Name some time …
***

True or False?

***

1. The clitoris has twice as many nerve endings as the penis.

2. In the U.S., most people’s number of sexual partners is in the single digits.

3. Women daydream more than men while having sex?

answers at the bottom
***

BONUS POINTS!

CLITORIS 3D-printed
Okay, not really keeping score, but you can consider yourself a sexual scholar if you can identify this 3-D printed anatomical structure without scrolling down.
***

TRUE OR FALSE ANSWERS

1. True – 8000 in the glans of the clitoris vs 4000 in the glans of the penis.
2. False – the average number of sexual partners over a lifetime in the U.S. is 11. (I personally made up for several cloistered nuns.)
3. True – women daydream during sex more than men. Maybe we should tell our men what we’re dreaming about?

***

See Ya Soon!

giphy  1