Tag Archives: BDSM

An Alpha Sub? It Can’t Be…

There’s an amazing amount of pure nonsense slung around these days about being an “Alpha” male or female. Here’s some now:

“She [Alpha female] is unabashedly sexy as well as career oriented. Her towering four-inch stilettos march off to the office, the store, the judge’s chambers, and her lacquered-red soles send a “follow me” signal, straight to the bedroom.”

full article here

Srsly? Being an Alpha female requires marching around a courtroom in front of a judge or jury in four inch fuck-me heels? So she can make sure she isn’t taken seriously? Can have crippling arthritis in her feet in a few years?

I’ve been in more than a few courtrooms and I’m pretty sure this woman would alienate most of the female jurors and make most of the males picture her on her knees. In front of them.

It’s just as bad for men, apparently.

This article requires men to change the way they walk to “become” an Alpha:

“Alpha males walk slow but with strong steps. Unlike a beta male who just walks fast or uses a walk to get from point A to point B, an alpha male knows his walk can make him stand out.”

Oh, dear God. How little self-esteem does a man have to have to buy this? The one most likely to not think at all about his walk is the Alpha moving from point A to B. Then we come to this, a standard trope in modern romance:

“Alpha males take control. They are dominant. They tell people what to do. They are direct. They take over situations when necessary. Alpha males are seen as powerful. They are the king of the mountain.” source

Unfortunately, the Alpha in many BDSM-themed books is far more bully than Alpha, as illustrated so perfectly by 50 Shades. They have power by wealth or situation. It’s Donald Trump. It’s Bill Gates. Which one do you want to follow?

You know what a leader with no followers is called? A guy shooting off his mouth. Alphas don’t make themselves up, they are created by genetics and environment.

SO WHAT IS ALPHA?

Alphaism in social structure is a common component of animal studies. But for humans, let’s use an older, but much better descriptor for Alpha: opinion leader.

OPINION LEADERS:

1. General: Influential members of a community, group, or society to whom others turn for advice, opinions, and views.

source

Hang out at your child’s 4th grade classroom and you’ll soon identify kids who are opinion leaders (OLs).

The OL in a group, what we might call the Alpha, is the one people look at when a surprising or scary situation arises. Whether a clown or a rattlesnake enters the room, everyone looks at the OL for a clue as to how to feel or respond. This kind of Alphahood is a natural trait.

The Jury Foreman Model: Someone can learn to manipulate the social situation—12 strangers in a room—so that they are likely to be elected jury foreman. But during deliberations, the OL/Alpha—male or female sitting anywhere at the table—is the one the other jurors will listen to. This person may be unassuming or gregarious, or anything in-between.

They will have the greatest influence on  the outcome while the Delta jury foreman who attained artificial Alphahood is relegated to counting the votes and ordering lunch.

SEX

The thing about that Alpha OL is, they might be a sub in the bedroom:

… all of us, along with several other mammal species, appear to possess subcortical circuits for sexual dominance as well as submission. … source

You don’t need to find neural pathways in an autopsy to know this. Every individual, female or male, is on a status continuum. We are socially dominant relative to some people and submissive relative to others.

Sexually, some like a partner who rolls them onto their backs and takes over, because it mimics the partner being the Dominant who has chosen them. Some like to roll their partner onto their backs and take over because by submitting, the partner chooses them.  Sometimes, both partners like doing both things in the same session.

D/s is a continuum. Some are further along the dominance scale, some the submissive. Some switch between extremes, and some are just hanging out in the middle.

But both people in whatever relative position, are seeking the experience of being chosen. And being chosen by someone perceived as high status is the most desirable scenario for both. So, ideally, both are Alpha.

The basis of this is as old as our species and easily observed in others. The female wants the highest status male to make her babies. Whatever we define as high status, that’s what a female will be drawn to.

Males want the same, exact thing: the highest status female to produce his offspring. IOW, he wants a strong, healthy Alpha female who will raise up his offspring to be high-status, likely-to-survive individuals. She wants a male healthy enough to give her vigorous offspring, and strong or high status enough to protect them after they are born. Which means he can defend his position, because the next Alpha would kill her infants to bring her into estrus so he can make his own offspring.

Sex is reproduction. Nature doesn’t care about condoms or pills. Millions of years of evolution have created the system that drives us to fuck each other’s brains out in order to make more babies to grow and make more babies. And that system stays in place regardless of whatever higher brain function decision-making we bring to the table.

BDSM is rife with low-self-esteem submissives being pursued by high-status Alphas  who are more bully than Dom, and only culturally “alpha” by virtue of money or might.

In The Pixar Story, a terrific great documentary about evolution of modern animation, there’s a shot of the three men credited with making the Pixar dream a reality. PIXARstory

No one’s going to deny Steve Jobs was pretty Alpha on all counts. But John Lasseter is the real mover and shaker behind the twenty-year evolution of modern animation, assisted by science and technology wizards like Catmull. Watch the documentary and you won’t come away with a stereotypical picture of dominance. But Lasseter—artist, writer and director—is as Alpha as they come.

I have no problem with authors who write to market with standard tropes that sell well. But at some point we all live in the real world, as we’ve come to call it. Mistaking a bully with lower self esteem than your own for a fictional Alpha is not anyone’s most life-affirming choice.


CODA: I wanted to add that the reason man-on-woman sexual assault is about power not sex is that only low-self-esteem males commit it. Having some cultural imitation of Alphahood—as in inherited wealth—allows these low-status males to be chosen. They hate the women who choose them, believing only a lower-status female would do that. Their brute, controlling behavior short-circuits rejection by an Alpha female who is going to reject him no matter how much money he has.  ( See: Donald Trump )

 

Secret Men the Music

LYRICS:

It had to be you, it had to be you
I wandered around and finally found, that somebody who
Could make me be true
Could make me feel blue
And even be glad just to be sad, thinking of you

Some others I’ve seen
Might never be mean
Might never be cross, or try to be boss
But they wouldn’t do
For nobody else gave me a thrill
With all your faults, I love you still
It had to be you, wonderful you
It had to be you


You’re My Home
From the Album: Piano Man
Release Date: November 9, 1973

LYRICS:

When you look into my eyes
And you see the crazy gypsy in my soul
It always comes as a surprise
When I feel my withered roots begin to grow
Well, I never had a place that I could call my very own
But that’s alright my love,
‘Cause your my home

When you touch my weary head
And you tell me ev’rything will be alright
You say use my body for your bed
And my love will keep you warm throughout the night
Well, I’ll never be a stranger
And I’ll never be alone
Where ever we’re together that’s my home

Home can be the Pennsylvania Turnpike
Indiana early morning dew
High up in the hills of California
Home is just another word for you

If I traveled all my life
And I never get to stop and settle down
Long as I have you by my side
There’s a roof above and good walls all around
You’re my castle, you’re my cabin and my instant pleasure dome
I need you in my house ’cause you’re my home


BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATER
Album: Bridge Over Troubled Water: 40th Anniversary Edition

Track Number:
1

Lyrics:

When you’re weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes
I will dry them all
I’m on your side
When times get rough
And friends just can’t be found
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

When you’re down and out
When you’re on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you
I’ll take your part
When darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

Sail on, silvergirl
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way
See how they shine
If you need a friend
I’m sailing right behind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mindAATEMPLATEfor2014

Is Psychic Men Non-con? Of course not.

From Matchstick Men:

Cam laid down on his side and pried one of Hunt’s arms loose, taking one hand in his own, massaging gently.

“This isn’t a scene. There’re no restraints. We aren’t in a club. I’m still a Dom; I’m always that. But you have safewords.”

He smiled at Hunt’s surprised expression. “Of course, you do. I want you to do what I say because … you want from me what I want to give you.”

In Dancing Men, Hunter uses his safeword:

Red!” Hunt screamed. The strap hit the floor. 

He felt Cam’s body shift as he fished his keys from his pocket. He got the cuffs off quickly, and rubbed Hunter’s wrists. He massaged feeling back into his arms.

Hunter initiates the conversation in Psychic Men:

Hunt looked up into eyes veiled in arousal, pupils wide in the muted light of their private table. “Anything you want, Cam.”

Camden Snow, shy boy in real life, confident king on the slopes, merciless Dom in the club, looked quickly away when his eyes filled, shocking him.

Hunt sat up and back, keeping Cam’s hand between his own, still and safe.

“Why?” Cam asked, coming back.

“Because you give me everything I want,” Hunt answered. “Except one thing.”

“What?”

“You keep yourself in check. You …. calculate what I need. You leave yourself out of the equation. But I want you. I never wanted anyone before, not some specific person. I don’t do halfway any more than you do. I want you to let go. To trust me.”

Camden Snow … knew how dark some of his desires were. …

… Captured by the raw hunger in Hunter’s eyes to abandon himself totally to anything and everything his Dom was or wanted, rendered Cam both powerless and indestructible. He felt something dissolve inside himself. Something old and hardened.

“You already know,” Cam said.

“Know?”

“What I am. Want.”

“Yes. … And?”

It was a very steep slope and a long way to fall, but Hunter had made Cam invulnerable. “You want it, too.”

Hunter smiled.

As he has always done, Cam gave Hunter exactly what he wanted in Psychic Men.

These men are who they are. They do not apologize for themselves and I do not apologize for them. Cam’s a sadist. That’s never been a secret. Hunter’s a masochist. Also, not a hidden trait.

At the Club

The Full Metal Dom accepts no limits, no safewords, no discussion.  Everyone knows the deal and he explains it again to each sub.

“There are no limits. You have no safeword. You do nothing I do not order. I don’t stop until I’m done. … You have one chance to walk away. Once I restrain you, nothing and no one can or will rescue you. I am all there is.”

You want to play with Camden Snow, you accept this. And this is why many subs seek him out. To get this.

But their relationship isn’t a scene.

These men aren’t bound by anyone’s idea of what BDSM “should” be. Nothing they do is unique or unusual in the spectrum of real-world BDSM relationships.

These men are each extraordinary in their own ways. Only another man as extraordinary as each of them could have captured them. If you want Cam less a Dominant sadist or Hunter less a submissive masochist, you’re going to be disappointed. If you want them to be like some other Dom or sub you knew, read or imagined, probably you’re also going to be disappointed.

SHATTERhim